Like so many dog owners, I had the best dog that ever lived!  Her name was Bella, she was my “heart dog”, and she literally changed the course of my life. Our story is long and complex, and for that reason I am actually writing a novel about it (Bella: An Extraordinary Bully … stay tuned for more on that!). But for the purposes of this blog post, I will give you the condensed version:

Bella came into my life when I met my (now) husband, Micheal, thirteen years ago. I had never had a dog before. I was thirty five years old. I had left a physically and emotionally abusive marriage the year before I met Micheal and I had little trust for others and very little confidence in my own judgement.  Bella changed that for me.  It took some time for her to welcome me into her heart, as she was so used to just being with Micheal, but once she did, it was life changing for us both. There was one night in particular when everything changed between Bella and I. I had suffered a devastating loss, and I was the only one awake in the house in the middle of the night, sitting on the sofa in uncontrollable tears, and I heard the pitter patter of her paws down the hallway when she appeared at my feet.  Up until then, she had only ever sat with Micheal on the sofa, slept on his side of the bed, only he held her leash on walks, she was very much HIS dog back then. I was the third wheel!   But that night, she jumped up on the sofa and simply put her head on my lap. I was sobbing and in so much emotional pain. But she just lay there, on my lap, comforting me in a way I had never experienced from an animal before in my life. That simple act of putting her head on my lap, comforting my pain, changed everything.   

Months later, Micheal was in a severe accident at work and he was unable to walk for several months. Bella became entirely my responsibility and we both had to quickly learn to do everything just the two of us. And that was where she started to change not just my life but to change ME. She helped me to build that trust back up in myself as I had to learn to trust her, and vice versa!  It strengthened our relationship so much and we never looked back.   I always joke that she became MY dog after that!   

Fast forward a couple more years and Micheal and I had our daughter, Sydney, and Bella slipped into the role of big sister the moment she came home from the hospital! Bella had eleven puppies, long ago, so she was no stranger to motherhood, unlike me at that time. The bond between Bella and Sydney was extraordinary. It inspired me to write my children’s book series, Sydney and Bella Stories, and it inspired me to become certified to teach dog safety to children. Dogs bring so much to our lives but what they bring to the lives of children is simply remarkable.

Sydney enjoyed the first six years of her life with Bella.  Bella made our house a home. She made every day brighter, she made everything better, she defined unconditional love, she helped us through tough times, she made the good times even better, she taught and gave all of us so much …

And then one day she was gone. And we were left with the empty space she used to fill, physically, mentally, metaphorically. A gaping, suffocating, painful void. And all the grief that goes with that, amplified by the broken heart of our little girl.

Bella got cancer and by the time she had let on that anything was wrong, and she had tests done, it was too late to do anything for her. She was thirteen.  The Vet hoped we would have a few months with her … we had twenty one days.

I will tell you, and many of you will already know this:  NOTHING can prepare you for that deeply profound loss. Nothing.  There are an increasing number of things to help you through the loss, but nothing can truly prepare you for it. I must be honest about that.

There are some fantastic anticipatory grief counseling services out there. I did not know such things existed when we were going through this with Bella, and our remaining time with her was so much shorter than we hoped it would be. But if you know you are going to face this devastating loss, it can be very helpful to get support before that awful day comes.

Our companion animals are unique (I don’t like to use the word pet) in that they force us to live in the moment. Their lives are so short in comparison to ours. And while they are a big part of our lives, we are their WHOLE life! We are the world to our animals and to see that reflected back at you is so profound, isn’t it?    We don’t have anything to prove to our animals. They love us and accept us as we are and they are just grateful for our companionship. How many of you have a partner or a child who runs to the door every single time you walk through it, who acts like your coming home is the best thing that ever happened to them?!  Dogs do that and it’s such a great feeling, every time!

Dogs are also a big part of our daily rituals, which makes losing them that much harder because it changes our whole day, every day, after they are gone. Taking them for walks, letting them in and out, countless times a day, setting up their food and water, playtime with them, cuddling them on the sofa and snuggles with them after a long, hard day … those are all ritualistic parts of our daily lives and when that suddenly stops, we sometimes find ourselves lost in that change, only amplifying our grief.

Our animals are a constant in our lives. They make us better because they show us who we are, they make us more pure and honest, and they allow us to be our most authentic selves.  And for many of us, me included, our dogs go everywhere with us! If you’re lucky enough to work from home, they are in our office with us, they share in so much of our lives, they are in our Christmas card photos, they sleep in our beds, they ride in the car with us, everyone at my local Tim Horton’s knows our dogs! And because of that, they are often with us more than our own spouses and children. And it is because of that bond, that level of companionship, that their sudden loss, whether you know it’s coming or not, it so excruciatingly painful, because they are always by our side. When they are no longer there, we miss them so deeply. The loss of a companion animal can often be more painful and more difficult to navigate than the loss of a human family member. Yet, why are we ashamed to admit that?

Society is not set up for us to grieve our departed animals in the way that we need to. There are no funerals for our companion animals, there are no obituaries, no celebration of life ceremonies, no estates to close up, no bereavement leave from work to give us the time we need to grieve. This profound loss is not given the respect it has earned, nor are we given what we need to navigate through this process. We have to find our own way to navigate through this process for ourselves.

Legally in Canada, companies are not mandated to offer bereavement leave for companion animals because bereavement leave covers only family members. Did you know that 80% of households in Canada have at least one pet? Cats and dogs are the most popular by far, but each and every animal holds a special place in their family’s heart. In Canada, pets are considered property and not sentient beings by law. Several European countries are starting to set the trend for change, making pets members of the family by law. North America is far behind in that way of thinking. Often, by those on the outside looking in, the loss of an animal is a disenfranchised grief, not supported by society as a whole. Many people experience a dismissal of their heartbreak, once they explain that it was an animal’s passing that has left them feeling so devastated. But an increasing number of companies are slowly starting to recognize the need for pet bereavement leave and are making changes to their company policies. I know that I could not focus on anything after I lost Bella, not for a long time. How can we be expected to fulfil obligations at work when we can barely get out of bed in the days that follow a loss like this?

I am NOT an expert in your grief. No one is. Grief is so very individual.  I have often said that the only wrong way to grieve is not to grieve at all. Ignoring those feelings is very unhealthy. But there is no wrong way to grieve. There are no rules, no timelines. You must grieve at your own pace and give yourself permission to do so. 

I lost Bella five years ago now and I still struggle, and that is perfectly normal. I allow myself that space to feel what I need to feel. We still talk about the good and the bad, because that is healthy and normal. It doesn’t matter how long ago we lost her. In our home, Bella lives on in our conversations, in photos around our home, in all the happy memories that we enjoy reminiscing about, all the time.

It can be easy to get lost in the sadness. It is perfectly healthy to feel sad, but do not get too comfortable there. Do not dwell in those feelings for too long. If you need help, please reach out. There are professionals who can help to guide you through the grieving process in a healthy way. There are counselling services offered through your veterinarian that can help. There are countless books, there are grief groups on Facebook, even simply talking to a friend who has suffered the same loss can help.  Sometimes, we just want to know that we are not alone in our grief.

For some people, getting another dog helps tremendously. I know people who have never had another dog and others who have adopted another dog within weeks of losing their dog. Both are perfectly fine and you do not have to justify your choice to anyone.

For my family, we found many ways to help us navigate through the loss of Bella, and through losing our second dog, Dubbers. Dubbers was one of Bella’s puppies, who came back to live with us when he was ten years old. He enjoyed his senior years with his Mama Bella, and with his new human sister, Sydney. Dubbers helped our family to navigate through the loss of Bella as well as through a year of remote school, at that time. Dubbers was Sydney’s best friend, her brother, her only physical classmate, her only playmate (I did my best!), he was everything to her, especially during those isolated COVID times.  Dubbers died the year after Bella did, also from cancer, and he left our home without a dog. And let me tell you, THAT silence was deafening.

In our home, we fully believe in allowing yourself the time and space to grieve. We found that talking about our feelings helped a lot, especially with a young child. I found a couple of good books to read to our daughter about the loss of a dog, but nothing seemed to encompass the harrowing feelings leading up to the loss and how to cope with daily life, and all those feelings, afterwards.

That inspired me to write the next book in my Sydney and Bella Stories series, “Sydney’s Hardest Day”, about losing Bella and Dubbers. I am hoping it will serve as a tool or a guide for families as they try to navigate through the loss of their companion animals whom they loved like family. Children need resources, just like adults do. And as hard as it is to help them when we are suffering so much ourselves, it is so important to recognize their grief as well and to find ways to work through it.

For us, we have near life-size photos of our dogs where their food bowls used to be, as well as countless framed photos of them throughout our home. It helps to remind us that they are still here in spirit.  We have planted trees in their memory, along their favourite local trail, that we visit often. We have also planted a memory tree in our own back yard, under which we sit and talk about our happy memories with our dogs. We also have a custom-made windchime in our backyard, that serves to remind us that Bella is still here, as we hear her chime every time the wind blows! We have another chime inside our front door for Dubbers. Sydney has pillows on her bed with Bella and Dubbers’ pictures on, she has their pawprints, and we even had a Cuddle Clone made for her, of Bella, which sits on her bed and is the perfect size for cuddles! We have their dog hair in special necklaces, that you can buy for that specific purpose, which help us to feel physically close to them, knowing we carry a part of them with us every day. Friends of ours had a star named after Bella and Sydney has the constellation map in her room!  Every year, we still celebrate their birthdays, sharing happy memories with laughter (and some tears!), and we remember them on the anniversaries of their passing with a walk in their favourite place. Every year on the anniversary of Bella’s passing, we walk at her favourite conservation space and scatter rose petals where she took her last walk. That ritual is very meaningful to our family. We were recently featured in a documentary film, commissioned by the Ontario Veterinary College, in which we were followed on this year’s walk. We also talked about our grief and shared ways in which we honour our dogs, in the hopes of helping other families. There are just not enough visual resources out there to help guide families through this grieving process.

There are so many things you can do to honour your animals after they have left this world, things like making donations in their name to places like your local shelter, you can volunteer at a local rescue in their honour, plant trees or flowers, you can have their name put on a memorial bench along their favourite trail, even a memorial tattoo if you are so inclined! I know several people who found mediums to be very helpful. All of these are individual choices and no one else has the right to judge them.

They say that grief is love with nowhere to go.  Transforming your grief into loving gestures like these does help many people, to feel like they are doing something positive out of the loss.

Again, ultimately, no other person can tell you how to grieve or what to do with your grief. People like me can only share my own experience with you, to show you that you are not alone in your feelings, in the hopes that you can take just one or two things I have said and apply them to your own experience, to help you navigate through the pain of losing your animal.

Please remember that an animal’s love does not end when they are gone. It lingers in all the spaces they once filled, physical spaces and emotional ones. I know that we ask ourselves “how will I ever go on without them?” but all that they bring to our lives, all that they teach us, lives on in US.  And in that way, they live on too. I know that I feel so very grateful for that.

There is a great quote from Tuesdays with Morrie that says “Death ends a life, not a relationship” and that rings true with our companion animals. Whether you are a spiritual person or a religious person, or not, you have to remember that those we love are never lost or gone completely. They live on through us.

On my forearm, I have the quote from Anatole France:  Until one has loved an animal, part of one’s soul remains unawakened.  And I know that part of my soul will never go back to sleep because of my dogs. So much of who I am is because of who they were.  I hold onto that.

Resources:

Sydney and Bella Stories – My children’s book series

Canadian Funeral News magazine, February 2025

Pet Loss Greif Recovery – Helen Goldberg